LMKTM: Crumbling Control
It’s hard to believe that my sweet Ella is already 8 weeks old! She is full of gummy smiles that pop two precious dimples out in her squishy cheeks, and this mamma can’t get enough of her! Her sleep habits are getting better and more concrete. As I told a friend recently, “It’s like I’m starting to feel human again!”
But one thing is still true about my baby girl: she will not allow me to have any false sense of security. What I mean by that is that the moment I think I can count on something – a definite nap time, sleeping or behavior parameters – she changes it up on me just to keep me on my toes. If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that I crave order and stability like a rat craves cheese. I don’t just like it, I need it. Mix my penchant for certainty with a baby who likes to “keep it fresh” by constantly changing up her routine, and you can wind up with one frustrated Lis.
Or…you can try, as I’m very slowly learning, to embrace the uncertainty and live in the moment more. Really, even Ella’s arrival should have clued me on the fact that she was going to change my entire world. I had willed her to come on a certain date (yes, that’s right, folks, us planners think we can control even a baby’s arrival), but she decided to come two days after that. I had thought I’d get to schedule my delivery and have my choice of doctor, but Ella arrived on a day my doctor wasn’t on call. I thought I’d have plenty of time to get my epidural, but I arrived to the hospital already basically complete and almost ready to push.
The point is that Ella, in her sweet little 8 weeks of life, has already taught me so much just by existing. She’s shown me that I can’t always plan nor can I count on anything remaining unchanged. The only constant is my Heavenly Father and His love, and so, instead of stressing over the things I can’t control, I need to choose to throw all my trust, time, and energy into the certainty that is my Lord and Savior. By doing that, I’ll find peace and stability even in the midst of changing circumstances. I’m slowly learning that there’s beauty in the unknown, but I have to allow myself to embrace it first.