One Year Ago Today…

 In grace, grief, Life

…could have been the worst day of our lives. We were admitted to the hospital where I was given the traumatic task of delivering our stillborn daughter, Angelina Grace. We had found out that our sweet baby girl no longer had a heartbeat a whole 4 days prior to going into the hospital, and during that span of time, I had said to myself (and to others), “How will I be able to do this?” or, in darker times, “I can’t do this!”

But we did it.

I cannot describe to you what it felt like in that hospital room. God’s grace was almost the extra person in the room; the guiding force that held us all together. It was tangible. It was real.

I can’t tell you I haven’t been sad. Really, above everything in terms of my emotional range this year – anger, denial, etc – I’ve just felt sad. So, so sad. People would ask us all the time if we were going to have another child, and I just wanted to scream that I wanted the one I had lost! I missed her. I do miss her.

But God’s grace has never left us. He is so near and close to us, it’s like He knows when we’ll need grace, and He’s always right on time with it. Note: grace doesn’t come until you need it. That’s why worry is so pointless – because we worry about things that have yet to even happen, but if they were to happen, we’d have what we need when we need it. Until then, though, we’re just stirring up anxiety that has no true solution.

I want to tell you today, one year later, that God is good. Life has not been easy. I have cried so many tears that I’ve lost count of the numbers of bottles it would take to contain them all. I still miss our little girl. And yet, I can’t help but think that her name was no coincidence: Angelina GRACE. Today, our lives are a testimony of God’s grace, and how He has kept us throughout some of the darkest days. His grace is truly amazing.

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